Larry's vow

(make yourself comfortable)

I was never one for brevity, so bear with me. There is no way I could let this day pass without expounding on the true meaning of Terry's and my bond. This may sound academic at timessometimes even like a dissertationbut heck ­ I had a lot of time on my hands this past 9 months! Have a seat (I know I am), make yourself comfortable. I went through a year of laying down, with the last 5 months on strict bedrest ­ I'm certain you all can bear 15 minutes of sitting down listening to me.

Romeo and Juliet. Ceasar and Cleopatra. Lucy and Ricky. Tracey & Hepburn. Joanie & Chachie. Fred and Wilma. Bonnie and Clyde. Joyce and Sandy. Jessica & Tom. Joe & Sally. Teri & Ken. Caitlin & Shane. Dave & Ellen. Jack and Vivian. Carolyn & Will.All of these couples have one thing in common. Yes...they all are people in history (some are even in our family) - but there is an even more important similarity...There were two of them. ...Yes, they say it takes two to tango; but it also takes two for a relationship. Two people to decide how strong it will be and what path it will take. Any time you have two people in close proximityyou have a relationship. You're waiting at a bus stop and someone else comes and sits down ­ your relationship is defined not only by the distance between you, but also by the fact that you are now known to others as "those two people sitting at the bus stop". You have a relationship with the pimply-faced McDonald's cashier, whether you want to admit it or not. He says "Welcome to McDonalds". You order. He asks you if you want to supersize that for 39 cents. Upon your acceptance or denial of this offer, he rings you up, etc. etc. Yes, a short, albeit forced, relationship ­ but a relationship nonetheless. Both of you decided just how far that relationship would go. Think about it.

Which brings me back to the aforementioned couples. Each of the parties involved decided to become a part of the relationship, overlooking and adjusting to any obstacles, for the greater good of true love. Each person decided how much investment they would have in the relationship to make it work. Each of these relationships all taught each and every one of us, in one way or another, about the elements that go into making a successful relationship.

This brings me to the relationship that we have at hand.between me and you, Terry, my beautiful new bride. This is not a come and go relationship we all see happening all around us. This is true love.one containing all the qualities that will ensure that a marriage will work ­ trust, compassion, understanding, mutual admiration, friendship, honestyand love. We are, in a word, soulmatesand will be for eternity.

As the great philosopher, Chauncey Gardener, once said, "In a garden, growth has its season. First comes Spring and Summer, but then we have Fall and Winter. And THEN we get Spring and Summer again!" I liken our love to this allegorical garden. There are times when our love will grow, and there are times when things will remain status quo. Furthermore, there may come times when the weather is stormy, but as sure as flowers bloom in the Spring, our love will continue to grow and our bond strengthen even more from the storm.

Chauncey continues, "It is possible for everything to grow strong, and there is plenty of room for new trees and new flowers of all kinds." Symbolically, this relates to our love as the strength of our love, mighty as it might be, can always be improved and made stronger. The potential for fully realized love is as far-reaching a concept as space is vast. True love appears to be as close to fully realized love as two can get, and this is what we have. This is not to say that we will never have a fully realized love, as this is a boundry-less concept anyhow, an ideal we will always be working together towards. With this goal in mind, we will incorporate different and novel approaches to show our care for each other, the "new trees and new flowers" of our love. No true love is ever fully realized because if it were, it would stagnate and have nowhere to go.

Chauncey then declares, "A garden needs a lot of care and a lot of love and if you give your garden a lot of love, things grow...but first some things must wither, some trees and fresh young saplings take their place and for this reason, you can watch that garden become very beautiful." Our bond together, our relationship, will require constant care, constant tending, constant love. Old relationship and behavior patterns that have no place in our relationship can be left behind, as new ones, suited for our relationship (or our garden) will take their place. As this is happening throughout our life together, we will watch our relationship become more and more beautiful.

Gardner ends his exposition with, "The garden needs a lot of care...it is a good garden." Plainly stated, yet concise and to the point, and never more truer, our relationship, our bond, our marriage, will require a lot of care. Both of us, I know, are certain to constantly care for our garden, and thus it will maintain its strength. It is a good relationship, a good bond, a good marriage.

We go from one great philosopher to one great thinkerand dreamer ­ Terry Singernee Michaels. TerryI hope you don't mind this, but I am going to use your wordsfor good of course, not evil. And this isn't a secret ­ I'm not disclosing anything that someone couldn't already see at www.larrysinger.com/Singerfamily.html. I call you a great thinker and dreamer because on that webpage, not only is there the story of our love, but posted there for all to see is proof that you possess these qualities. You shared with me a letter you had written to yourself dated 1980. In this letter, you outlined exactly what you wanted in a partner (and by doing so, made writing my vows simpler).

You started this letter off by writing "I'm looking for a man who is motivated enough to know, search for & achieve his goals". Well honey, you've probably figured it out already, but I'm a man who is very motivated and goal-oriented. Things may take me a little longer, but I do them. My track record proves it. And the fact that I complete them, let alone attempt them, given the physical barriers and limitations that confront me, should be proof enough that you will be marrying a man motivated by his goals. And love, just so you know ­ I WILL complete my dissertation (if I was able to write this much for my vow, a dissertation will be tiddlywinks) yes, I've had some "minor" setbacks as of recentbut it will be complete, now that I'm back on myfeet.

And speaking of feet, you continue in your letter that you want, "A man strong enough to stand on his own feet and at times allow me to stand on his feet too". Little did you know, at the time, that those words would be so prophetic, in an ironic sort of way. Isn't it odd that the man you ended up with who could stand on his own feetdoesn't stand on his feet, but uses a wheelchair to get around? This reminds me of all the people that want to know what you're doing with a man in a wheelchair. This seems to imply that standing signifies strength. But you were able to look beyond that, from that fateful night you were able to take the riskyou were able to overlook the wheelchair and look deeper ­ deep into my soul. And there you found a man who is self-assured, driven, intelligent, sensitive, caring, loving (egotisms aside)and one who is also willing to let you stand on his feetand sit on his lap, for that matter.

You continue by stating your desire for "A man who is willing to accept the responsibility that his family comes first. That his relationship with me is his primary relationship". I'm willing and ready to accept both responsibilities. And really, these would not be new responsibilities I would be taking on, for they have been responsibilities I had adopted since we met 3 1/2 years ago to the day.

Then you describe that you want, "A man who won't keep me guessing and is open enough to express his loves, needs, desires, fears, hopes, and wishes". Not only do I consider you the love of my life, my soulmate, now my wife ­ but I also consider you my best friend. The fact that you are all these things to me makes opening up to you easy. We don't play games ­ no guessing. You know what you see is what you get with me. You know more about me than anyone has ever known. And as husband and wife, we will continue with this openness, for it makes for such a smooth existence together.

You conclude in your letter that you want, "A man who will be a little boy and let me be a little girl as a man & a woman." Some of the most fun and exciting times we have with one another are when we are able to shed our "adult" roles and be playful little children. Being a responsible adult ALL the time can make for a very dull existence. The little boy in me loves the little girl in you as much as the adult man in me loves the adult woman in you. I promise you that, while it is true I possibly will get older in chronological age, the little boy in me will always be there for the little girl in you to come out and play with.

You wrote this letter as a way to manifest this man you wanted in your life. As can be seen ­ you succeeded. I hope we can share something with these people who came to witness this momentous occasion ­ I hope they take home something from our lesson. Often in therapy, when a client doesn't have what they want, or worse, doesn't know what they want, I ask them to quantify their wants and their desires on paper, writing a letter to themselves about what they would like. This way, they have now stated on paper what they want and they can work towards getting it. I urge all of you to try itit worked for Terry.

My dear, it's no secret that this has been a real tough year. We survived the rigours of a three month hospital stay, we acquired and built our own home that now stands as a fortress of our love; we made the transition from hospital to home, only to take 10 steps back in my healing process due to faulty medical advice; we planned, masterminded, diagrammed, and accomplished all the wonderment you see today and will see on Saturday; we overcame all the odds and healed my woundso we could have this ceremony at this gazebo rather than in bed. Yeswe have proven we have got what it takes! If anyone doubts our survival skills ­ our ability to make love last through ANY circumstances ­ I've got a couple referrals I can send them to for some mental help. You have been such a fortress of strength for me over this incredibly trying time and I am eternally grateful to you for it. And I want you to knowas if you don't already know it, that I do, and will continue to, support and love you with the same intensity as you have shown me. In closing, my dear (since I haven't explicitly stated it, thus not making it "legal"), I do vow to you a continued lifetime of love, laughter, happiness, strength, and joy together. I love you Terryyou are my forever love.

And now for something completely different...I'm going to address you, Lynlea. The day after I gave the engagement ring to Terry, Terry had shared with you the new addition to her hand. You, in all your youthful bewilderment, commented, "Larry never gives me presents like that!" I had to act fast and get a ring pop for you. The next day, I proposed to you to be my daughter, just as I proposed to Terry to be my wife. You giddily accepted ­ and so today everything becomes full circle. I'm going to finish what I started.

We always hear the comment that you look a lot like me, so it's almost like in some odd kind of parallel universe kind of way, this was always meant to be. It was just a matter of time before we were all ready to become united.

Since I've known you, Lynlea, I've always felt "fatherly" towards you, and I'm forever grateful to you that you have allowed me to exercise this instinct. Just as your mom did, you fell so easily into instantly accepting me, and looking deeper into my soul to find out who I am, rather than allowing outside appearances to affect your feelings about me. I have always felt them, and they have always seemed to have been unspoken, but nevertheless understood, but since we're making promises today, I vow to you, Lynlea, to love, respect, give strength to, provide a stable environment for, be a good role model to, take care of, and always have the best interest in mind for you. I love you, Lynlea.

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